What to do?

(This is not a picture of me, but of Kaoru, guitarist for Dir en grey. I just thought the image fit the thoughtful mood of this post.)

I have been thinking quite a bit as of late about purpose and what it means to have one and how does one find the very purpose for which she or he exists. Many believe there is a "god" that sits upon a throne up high, floating on a bloated white cloud in an unnaturally blue sky, handing down such purposes like chores. This seems to me a trite way of thinking about purpose, but perhaps my opinions are too influenced by my inherent distrust of religion and the concept of heirarchy.

On a side note, I took a couple entertaining personality blog quizzes and uncovered that I value tolerance (a more accurate word would be acceptance) and humility highest of the noble values. Tolerance I already knew I valued, but I had never thought humility to be as great a importance to me primarily because I did not understand what it meant. I knew it had something to do with humbleness, but I did not realise that humility also involves a strong sense of of self-confidence and self-respect. It is not purely about modesty but of an understanding and acceptance of oneself so as to encourage an understanding and acceptance of others. So many human beings try to force their individual will and beliefs upon others as a way to make the world work better for themselves rather than realise that if we accept and respect each other's wills and beliefs, then perhaps the world will naturally change for the better. (Such is quite an idealistic and optimistic approach, but I do question as whether we are even capable as a species to be so open-minded towards the whole of our population.)

So then this would beg the question, why do we need governments and organized religions? I know it would be foolish of me to suggest that all organization must be done away with, for the fact that the more people there are upon this giant blue marble, the harder they are to guide in any one direction. Socialism- the concept of doing away with any class distinction and social heirarchy- is a good idea in theory, but at this point in the evolution of our species, are we really ready to take responsibility for a structure? Indeed, in order for a socialist society to succeed, there must be great individual responsibility taken for the upkeep of such an order, and let's face it: we're not ready for it. And we have seen how easily such a idea can be corrupted by the few who understand it the least and mutilated into something heinous, so what is to say it won't happen again?

I am not suggesting that the concept of "no class" is not humanly possible. (As a member the of the lower class, I really wish we could erase the line between wealth and poverty- indeed, I wish we could get rid of the concept of money altogether!) I believe it is, just not yet. Humanity is too far from that goal and to force such a structure to grow faster than it can reasonably is to invite corruption and disaster.

Of course, the structure of capitalistic society is no better. Extreme movement in either direction is dangerous to humanity, but how, then, do we balance individuality and community into a working society that benefits all equally?

Perhaps that is the purpose of humanity: to find out how to live in harmony with each other before we all kill each other?

Song lyrics? I dunno...

i am walking

i am waking

i am singing

i am faking

i will follow

you will wait

i will enter and

your heart will take

i am lonely

i am sane


(k, that's all I got so far :) )

Untitled Poem

the drums blur with my tears.
I can't even hear the beat as I strike at them vacantly.
there is no anger or pain,
just a dull ache in my heart and
the welling tears that I do not strive to even
hold back.

I just keep playing
my heart away,
hoping that with every stroke of stick
against drum will lessen
the thickness of my tears
lest the damn explode.

I don't care who is looking at me.
I just play
I just do my duty and
af the end of it all, I will go home

that's when it will hit

like a brick wall crashing down upon me
my chest will heave
my breath will freeze
and I'll not be able to feel for the
pain will be so much
that I will become numb to it
and only the wetness on my hands and
face will document
my hurt

You will never see this.
You will never know this pain you have caused.

I will hide it from you forever.


(wow...depressing! I think I wrote this after reading a Dir en grey fanfic where Shinya's heart is broken by Die's constant teasing. T_T)

Pastime Poetry

Have you ever written a poem or a song just for the hell of it and then completely forgot about its existence until one day you come across the paper or file again only to be amazed by what you find?

Did I write that?

For better or worse, here's a few poems I came across just recently. They're not great but I so rarely write poetry that I'm very happy with what I wrote considering it all came from the top of my head. :)


The first one is called "Burn".


too bright
morning hurts my eyes
i can't sleep til darkness

all is alive at night
but i'm stuck at home
burning in my wet skin
melting into fantasy
and dreams of glory

i must tear down my
apprehension

what am i afraid of?

i don't car if i lose

so what is there to be afraid of?

a torn butterfly
too beautiful it hurts
blood gives life and
gives death

i love seeing the people who live in
the shadows of mirrors
the ones you can only see out of
the corner of your eye

those angels
slipping in and out of my reflection
those are my lovers

my burning passion
has dulled to a soft glow
and i yearn to make it burn again

i am restless
and tense
i need release and excitement
passion and purpose
i need u

In Love with Buck-Tick

I've heard a few of their songs before, even have a few on my ipod, but I didn't realise how versatile a band Buck-Tick were until I heard this lastest single "Romance". I'm completely in love with this song now! It's such a beatiful sound (and such a beautiful voice and vocalist too). Buck-Tick have been around in the Jrock scene for quite some time (at least 13 years), so it's great to see that they haven't slowed down at all. They have a very creative style that ranges from Industrial to Punk, but this song is much more mellow and reminds me of the Cure. I definately need to get it.

Here it is: "Romance".

It's a Shinra World After All

It is a Sunday morning, and as I sit at my computer, listening to the sweet and harrowing music of Final Fantasy VII, the ususal question pops into my head: "What made this game so great?" I could discuss the moving story, memorable characters, solid and nearly perfect gameplay, but there's something else that makes FF7 stick out in my mind unlike any other game I've played. Something common amongst great games is that they always have something unique that makes it memorable, beyond the ordinary variables that we usually take into account when defining a great game.

I'm talking about how the meaning and central theme of the game relates to our lives. Behind every great work of fiction, there is an interpretation of the present, and I see this in FF7.

For example, let's take a look at Shinra Corporation. Here is an energy giant corporation that practically rules the world through the monopolization of Mako Energy. They are so rich in fact that they built their very own city, Midgar, which is surrounded by eight Mako reactors and covered with a giant metal "pizza" that keeps the city in perpertual night. Shinra even has its own militia and police force that it uses to brutally subjugate its citizens, and when those citizens try to fight back in the form of the radical anti-corporate, anti-Mako group Avalance, Shinra's top officials do not hesitate to murder their own citizens in order to frame and demonize their enemies.

Hmm...is any of this sounding eerily familiar? Substitute "oil" for "Mako", and U.S. and/or any oil-rich third world nation for Midgar... Maybe instead of "Shinra", try "Halliburton" or "British Petroleum" or any giant oil company, really.

Avalanche's ultimate goal is stop the world's use of Mako energy, which drains the Planet of the very lifeforce it needs to survive. Yet instead of heeding their warnings and curbing their use of Mako, Shinra increases its use of the energy, developing even bigger Mako-based weapons (the Mako Cannon) and building even more reactors. Switch over to the real world where oil is becoming more and more scarce by the year, major oil companies (as well as the U.S. government- it's becoming increasingly difficult to draw a line between the two) encourage car manufacturers to create even bigger and less fuel efficient vehicles (gas-guzzling SUVs) for the sake of making more money, with little thought as to the future consequences wasting a precious resource.

Then of course, we have Sephiroth, Shinra's creation and their worse enemy. In his vengance for the monstrous way he was created, Sephiroth murders the previous president of Shinra, and eventually awakens the Weapons which then destroy Shinra Corp. (and there was little their Mako Cannon could do to stop it). But destroying Shinra is not enough. Fueled by a divine goal, Sephiroth aims to destroy the entire world, and it becomes Cloud and company's goal to stop him.

Sephiroth can easily be seen as a metaphor for our current conflicts with the Middle East, and "suicide bombers" that plague U.S. military action in the region. Was it not the United State's greedy, capitalistic foreign policy that lead to the creation of hostilities against us from the Arab world? Like Sephiroth, these "terrorists" were created through abhorrent means by our own government policies, and now they aim to tear apart the western world's capitalistic way of life, primarily through bombing important structures and symbols of western life. How similar is that to Sephiroth's summoning of Meteor to crash into the planet?

The parallels between social and political conflicts in FF7 mirror so much that is going on in our world today that it is my belief that they, more then just the gameplay and characters, are what really makes this game so great. How far is our country from turning into a real life Midgar, a brutal police state where the government IS the giant energy corporation. Think about it; is there a distinction between the two in the game? When Rufus becomes President of Shinra Corp., is he not treated as though he were President of the World (people throw great parades for him in the city of Junon and are excited to even catch a glimpse of him in each city he visits).

It's a sad and bleak future, both in game and out, but maybe there will be those, like Cloud and the rest of Avalanche, who will do their best to fight against this trend and try to make a better future for all the peoples of the world. I think that is the central theme of Final Fantasy 7; the world is in a crisis largely of our own government's making, but there is still hope if people stand up against those who would rule the world for their own greed and halt this trend before it's too late.

The Beginning of a New Era...And the Fall of the Previous One

Dark Ages America. By far the most depressing book I have ever read, but made all the more brilliant and sad because it is all true. The state of America and it's people; we are indeed walking on the edge of the new Dark Ages, the fall of a great (and terrible) empire.

Sad, but true. And isn't truth worth knowing for the sake of it? Blissful ignorance only winds up a disaster anyway.

Gachi Baka Episode 2 Part 3

And the conclusion. Isn't Inoue so cute!

Gachi Baka Episode 2 Part 2

And before I forget, here's the second part of Episode 2!

New CDs

Well, I finally broke down and bought a couple new Jrock CDs from Atomic Comics; Kagrra, (spelled with the comma) "Ran" which is their latest CD. The song "Satsuki" is the only Kagrra music video I've seen so far. I really love their musical style. Their name is apparently a deliberate misspelling of the word "Kagura" which refers to traditional Japanese music (like the stuff in Memoirs of a Geisha...which i haven't seen). Kagrra mixes traditional sounds and instruments with rock for a very unique sound. Lead singer, Isshi's voice has a panpipe quality to it; very sexy when it's low, but he can hit some high notes with a breathy sort of sound which is either cool (i like it) or really annoying.

I also bought my first Malice Mizer album finally! This one is actually two different albums in one: Memoire, which Malice Mizer did with their first vocalist Tetsu, and Voyage sans Retour, with Gackt as the singer. This should be quite interesting ^^.

Well, here's a Kagrra, video for "Satsuki". I like the song but I could do without Isshi's bleach-blond, David Lee Roth-style haircut. Honestly, what was he thinking? Some people can pull off the bleachy look and some people can't. Please go back to being brunette Isshi darling!

Sweet Despair

Time for more Jrock goodness!

Despair's Ray is another Jrock band I love, though I don't own any of their albums yet. They're harder to find in the states. Even places like Atomic Comics don't carry them as often as more popular Jpop acts. As far as I know, Despair's is still an indie band. They're hard rock and their videos are always dark, but I like their style.

Here's the video for the song "Garnet" (why are so many Jrock songs titled "Garnet"?)

Gachi episode 2

Mmm! Episode 2 is even better than the last! This time it's Inoue-san who's in trouble though. He's so adorable (but then so are all the other guys in this show...)!

Here's part 1 of episode 2,
Enjoy!